Can't Live With or Without You
by MayukoMorita
Summary: How long was she really willing to wait for a boy who probably won't return her feelings anyway, she thought. And she found that 'forever' wasn't the answer. AU in which Mayaka tries to move on after Satoshi rejects her in middle school
1. Can't Live With or Without You

**Can't Live With or Without You**

(How long was she really willing to wait for a boy who probably won't return her feelings anyway, she thought. And she found that 'forever' wasn't the answer. AU in which Mayaka tries to move on after Satoshi rejects her in middle school)

**A/N:** title because I thought _With or Without You_ by U2 is the perfect song to describe Satoshi and Mayaka's relationship. Though the Boyce Avenue cover might suit them better.

* * *

_Sleight of hand and twist of fate_

_On a bed of nails he makes me wait_

_And I wait without you_

* * *

Chocolates that you melted and reshaped aren't homemade, he said.

She swore she'd make him accept her chocolates next year. She swore she'd wait for him. She swore she'd get an answer out of him one way or another. She swore she wouldn't give up on him.

But, somewhere along the line, she wondered if it was even worth it. How long was she really willing to wait for a boy who probably won't return her feelings anyway, she thought.

And she found that 'forever' wasn't the answer.

She swallowed the bitter pill and tried to move on.

Houtarou still brings it up sometimes, her 'crush,' and she hates him for it.

* * *

On that fateful Kamiyama High School Festival, Jirou Tanabe remembers her as the girl with Eru Chitanda, who was asking about _A Corpse by Evening_. After that, he starts acknowledging her when he passes her in the halls more.

She also notices that she sees him more often in the library. She thought he might be studying for a difficult subject.

That is until she sees that he's actually reading manga.

One time, he helps her return the books.

* * *

Satoshi asks her if she will work as a shrine maiden again on the New Year, as she did last year.

She says she has other plans.

* * *

_My hands are tied_

_My body bruised_

_She's got me with_

_Nothing to win_

_And nothing left to lose_

* * *

On the New Year, Satoshi meets with Eru and Houtarou at Arekusu Shrine. Mayaka had respectfully declined Eru's earlier invitation to join them, again alluding to her 'other plans.'

Still, they find her in the shrine. She is with Jirou Tanabe.

Satoshi feels something in his chest that he'd rather not recognize. He pushes it away and greets them brightly.

* * *

On Valentine's Day, Mayaka doesn't make chocolates for Satoshi.

Instead, she receives a box from Tanabe, in full view of the Manga Society.

* * *

In spring, Mayaka tells Eru in the club room that she and 'Jirou-kun' are going out.

Eru squeals in delight and the girls hardly notice Satoshi excuse himself to leave the room.

Houtarou does, though.

* * *

As they walk home, Satoshi quietly asks Houtarou "Did you know?"

To which his friend answers "I've had ideas."

Satoshi makes a non-committal noise.

Then he checks himself before lightly saying "Well, they're better together anyway. They have more interests in common."

_You don't mean that,_ Houtarou wants to say. But he thinks the better of it.

* * *

_I can't live with or without you_

* * *

**A/N:** this wasn't supposed to be a songfic

But then I came up with the title

And started listening to the song while writing this.

Ok.

This fic was born from the nagging idea that perhaps part of the reason why Satoshi finds it easy to use his "I don't want to get 'obsessed' with her" excuse is because he takes it for granted that Mayaka will always be there to wait for him.


	2. If You Ask Me If I Love Her

**If You Ask Me If I Love Her…**

(This wasn't supposed to have a second chapter)

**A/N: **title is from Taylor Swift's _I'd Lie_, which I also think perfectly describes Satoshi and Mayaka's relationship.

Actually, I've already made an entire personal fic-writing SatoMaya playlist.

* * *

_She stands there then walks away_

_My God, if I could only say_

"_I'm holding every breath for you"_

* * *

Apparently, they had a fight. Again.

Mayaka and Jirou Tanabe's relationship continued into her second year and his third year.

But things have been getting a little rocky lately.

Satoshi would probably be happy about it if it didn't mean catching Mayaka hurriedly drying her tears whenever he enters the club room.

* * *

She doesn't like to talk about it. At least not with him.

After he caught her crying the third consecutive afternoon, she began retreating into the girls' bathroom, only going into the club room after she looks a little more decent, hoping that Eru's chatter had already filled the room by then and she would be spared Houtarou's and Satoshi's questioning eyes. Especially Satoshi's.

But it's not like they don't know why she's crying. On her first big fight with Jirou, she had been so inconsolable in Eru's arms and had wallowed so deep into misery that she actually asked even Houtarou and Satoushi to stay.

She was thankful, of course, but knew better than involving her friends in a problem she should really be fixing herself.

They do know why she's crying. They want her to talk to them about it.

She doesn't want to, and they try to respect that. But it doesn't mean they don't worry.

Mayaka doesn't know why knowing that doesn't really make her feel better.

* * *

_First thought when I wake up is_

"_My God, she's beautiful"_

_So I put on my make-up_

_And pray for a miracle_

* * *

Houtarou didn't pass by the club room and Mayaka had been in a foul mood all day. She wasn't exactly crying, but she was very snappish. It might actually have been close to the usual Mayaka had she not accidentally snapped at Eru, too. She apologized profusely and, after her friend assured her that she understands, rushed to go home.

Satoshi thought he'd be more productive doing homework in the club room, and that's how he found himself sitting there with Eru as she proofreads a manuscript.

"I hope Maya-chan and Tanabe-senpai reconcile soon," she thinks out loud, "It's hard seeing her like this."

He knew she'd bring that up some time in the afternoon, though he wished she wouldn't. He also knew she didn't say it to incriminate him (as Houtarou probably would) because Eru is clueless about Satoshi's feelings for Mayaka. But it doesn't make him feel any less 'on the spot.'

"It sure is," he tries to say it in a way that doesn't sound dismissive, but wishing that the topic be not discussed further.

Eru smiles at him, perhaps indicating that she picked up on his tone, and they both continue their work in silence.

It's 5:15 when Eru begins packing her things.

"Fukube-san, may I be honest with you?" she asks as she closes her bag. She looks at Satoshi with kind, but piercing eyes.

"I wouldn't want you to be anything less, Chitanda-san," he smiles.

Eru hesitates for a moment before saying "I always wanted Mayaka-chan to end up with you."

This wasn't what he expected to hear. He honestly didn't know what Chitanda was going to say to him, but he never would have imagined this to come from her. This was uncharacteristically frank of her, and, honestly he'd be shocked to hear anyone say this to him anyway.

"I-Is that so?" he falters and forces a smile.

He sees that his reaction makes Eru immediately regret what she said. She bows and sputters an apology, "I-I'm sorry! It wasn't my place to say! I'm sorry, Fukube-san! It's all just so incredibly frustrating!"

He wants to tell her that it's okay, but he can't because it isn't.

"Chitanda-san…"

So he settles for "Well, you did say you wanted to be honest."

"I truly am sorry," she pleads.

He just smiles and asks her not to worry herself over it.

She begs her leave and he's just glad to be alone.

* * *

_Yes, I could tell you_

_Her favorite color's green_

_She loves to argue_

_Oh, and it kills me_

* * *

It's Friday and Satoshi lets himself be the last to leave the club room.

As he retrieves his bicycle, he hears someone call him.

It's Tanabe.

The senior greets Satoshi with a smile, but he still looks tired and sad.

"I'm sorry to bother you, just when you're about to go home."

Satoshi tells him that it's no problem and checks his anger for the boy who hurt Mayaka.

"I'll just get to the point and tell you that this is about Mayaka-san."

Of course it is.

Tanabe then proceeds to tell him how he feels terrible for what's happening between him and his 'girlfriend' (Satoshi tries to ignore how much the term scalds him), and that he's been stressed with college entrance exams, but that it's absolutely no excuse to take it out on Mayaka who has been nothing but sweet and understanding. He confesses that he has messed up and that he's scared their relationship might be over.

"… and I don't want it to be." He actually sounds desperate.

Satoshi thinks of the terrible afternoon when Mayaka wailed like a wounded animal, and of all the other afternoons when he heard her stifle a sob, and of the light and warmth that he's always loved about her waning as each day of fighting with Tanabe passes by.

He'll do this for her.

"She loves apple pie, especially homemade ones." He knows because his mother bakes them for her on her birthday, until he learned how to do it himself. "I can make one and you can give it to her."

Tanabe's face, which moments ago had been close to tears, breaks into a hesitant smile. "Th-thank you, Fukube-san." He smiles wider, his eyes still a little teary, "Thank you, so much."

"I'll give them to you first thing on Monday," he says a little too cheerfully to hide how much he's angry at himself for helping Tanabe, and how much he's angry at Tanabe for caring for Mayaka so much, and how much he's angry at the entire situation.

After his senior thanks him again and he says that he's glad to help, they bid farewell and Satoshi speeds home, so full of everything that he wants to scream.

* * *

_If you ask me if I love her_

_I'd lie_

* * *

**A/N:** how do you write Satoshi


End file.
